Hi. It’s me.

For days after I felt you changed your heart, I felt myself go deep down into suffering. I could feel it in my belly, all knots and tight with pain. I was also very in touch with my heart, as I am now, and I was so excited to be feeling so much. So excited that I could feel so much pain and stay open. This is the first time I can remember doing this. It is so beautiful. It feels like cracks happening in my heart, and light coming through.

I might add that yesterday I took what I thought was a microdose of LSD from Death Valley. It was very strong, and amplified everything. I felt I was in a deep, powerful incineration. I tried to run from it a little bit, did some gardening, and then collapsed in the sun.

I fell deep down into the past. Familiar feelings of having the wind taken out of me as a little girl. I was in New York, maybe 2-3 years old. The whole world seemed like a hologram. Nothing real, nothing solid, no one there. Except my dad. I could feel him, even though he was rarely around. I loved him so much. I love him so much. And I could always feel he loved me so much. My mom left him when I was 3, and he would promise to come on the weekends. I waited for him to bring life to my see-through world. He would rarely show. My heart went to sleep.

I have no doubt a powerful healing began, deep down in my sleepy heart, when you came into in my life. I said I wasn’t feeling you as a lover when we met. What I was feeling was your presence, solid and palpable, in my mostly see-through world. Being with you feels like being here. In this place, this world, this body, that I inhabit reluctantly most of the time. When you hold me it feels like medicine. You feel like medicine. That is love to me. So you were right, what you felt. I did love you. I do.

I was aware yesterday that I am doing something I have never done. I am touching down into my pain, feeling all of it, and not going to sleep. Not shutting down. I can feel it all. It’s so alive. The pain, my heart, the love in there underneath the sleepy shell. It feels like my wounds are off-gassing from the pores of my skin, like a purification.

My sleep last night, unlike many years of restless nights, was peaceful and light. I woke up this morning with clarity. I cried; missing my dad. I was so grateful to be able to cry. It felt so good. I could feel the grief moving.

I also have been wondering, if once the relationship question started with you and I, if it sent me back in time, and so changed how I was able to show up with you. The light, playful delighted person you fell in love with went away, into the past, instead of being with you. She abandoned you, a thousand times, in a thousand distracted, invisible moments. I wondered, I wonder, if that, together with your own overwhelm, hadn’t sent you back into your own wounds. I imagine all of this would have you feel the need to take space. I understand.

I want you to know it is all ok. Better than ok. I want you to know that I want you to have what you need and want, even if it isn’t me.

I am so grateful to you. For the courage to move toward me, to open your heart, through all your resistance and wounds. I needed your medicine so much. I am so grateful to you for giving me the love you could, and to myself for being willing and courageous enough to receive what I could.

I woke up this morning so refreshed, and excited for my creative work. Very aware of the ghosts that have been holding me back from being able to give and receive the way I want to and know I can in this world. To be a full person, fully here in my body, connected to my heart, and all the beauty and pain of life.

And though you may not have felt her lately, this delighted, playful girl that is me, is still here. And she loves you. I will always love you. I really love this about myself. I don’t unlove. I feel who you are, and whether I see you again with my eyes or not, my heart knows you.

💖M